The Path from A. B. to M.C.

20 February 2011


Dear MC,

I was chatting with a common acquaintance of ours last night from our JBL days. Naturally some memories of the past were invoked and it was really quite amazing how things have turned out between the two of us. How was it that during our time as JBL-Sx nurses, we never got to share shifts not even once but then we were able to get to know each other more. In fact, I know more about you than some of our colleagues back then who I actually spent more shifts and rotations with. It's funny that it was after we both left JBL that we got to hang out more.

I must admit, my eyes were busy looking the other way around. By now, I am sure you have an idea who she was - the one whose beauty pulled my winds to her sights. Truth be told, and this I swear to my grandmom's grave, it was just a crush. Somethin' that I never wanted to pursue, and somethin' that I know I shall never have. As you age, ugh, you will come to distinguish, decipher and perhaps decode the difference of a crush to a genuine interest. Even then, I made no efforts to take that crush to a level where friendships would blur. But, as you will also know by now, it was misconstrued and it came to a point where A. B. could not hide her discomfort about it anymore. It was a shame that it had reached that point even before I got to explain my side. It was my fault that it got misinterpreted and it was too late for me to make the necessary adjustments so as to maintain the level of comfort we had for each other. In any case, after leaving JBL, I texted her and apologized. I have explained everything and she took my word for it. As it turns out now, we're cool. All of it gone.

Yes, all of it gone. As it was only a crush, a physical attraction, it wont be surprising if it fades with time. May I just say, or clarify, that not because I was not immediately attracted to you it necessarily means I don't find you pretty. Crap, you're every inch beautiful. It's just that, again, the wind had blown me to a different direction that time. As a changed man, even with my crushes, I am a one-woman man. Believe it or not, I have managed to have one crush at a time. So you might be wondering, where and when did it start? How come every stretch of my fiber right now just wants to be near you? When was it that triggered this point where just the thought of getting in touch with you makes me ecstatic? That would be for my next letter.

I miss you. Damn, I just wanna see you. Stay safe.


J.S.

Delay and Dispatch

Dear Me,

It's been months since I last corresponded to you. Many have inevitably transpired since then. Surely time enrages life like a storm. Too swift yet leaving many trails behind. Say for example what happened to my vocation, my profession. I can honestly say I am a better, more professional nurse but in the same fold the experience I have acquired falls too short of what I need for better career opportunities. I have said once that time has a propensity to make a fool out of all of us. And I am proven right yet again this time around.

Let me just say that the months that followed after my last letter were great ones. Man, I met loads of interesting people - which I hope would be lasting friendships. There were days of absolute mirth and of course to balance this light load with encumbrances, there were also days of intimacy with my humanity. I hope in my next letters some of these people I met would figure in my stories.

As my brain ratchets with ideas on what to tell you first, I always end up with one thought. I am so near yet so far. Near enough to prove my worth and doing to the fullest what I think I was born to do but still far from consummating the satisfaction and fulfillment of knowing that I already have the sense of my future within my grasps. I always get the feeling that out of my passion to surge and not be left behind I end up tarrying long and hard enough to waste my alacrity and turn it into aversion.

I am getting complicated again. And I must admit, these complications are not the ones life pokes or jostles us with. This is all my doing. But with this admission comes the faith that I shall overcome this. That confidence brought about by shame. I have lost so many battles, but I never lost a war.

Yours most dearly,

You

Blundering Back to God

Dear Me,

Let me make a confession. I attempted to commit suicide almost four years ago. I used to refer it as "that night in August 2006". I refer to it now as my attempt to blunder back to God - a phrase I got after reading Mitch Albom's heart-wrenching book, "For One More Day".

Come to think of it, I have never related the details to anyone. All you guys know is that I tried to take my own life. I only told you that I had the experience and it was because of a heart break. Strange enough, all these years nobody cared to ask me about the finer details. I could only surmise that my friends care enough for me not to relive the trauma. As to what my plans were or how I intended to execute it, no single soul knows up to this very day. I think though it's high time to tell everybody. I would like to point out that I am not goin' as far back to the specific circumstances that led me to that state of utmost depression. It's hard not to imply something if I did. Besides, I have already belabored on that greatest heartbreak subject. Lest I want anyone getting dizzy or nauseated, I would not shove it down your throat. I know for a fact you're just too sick of that story.

So there I was. A man who just lost his greatest love. A man who keeps on blaming himself for being lame enough not to cherish it. A man who was not brave enough to face the conquering nature of the love he had for that person. It felt like every inch of my flesh is aching. I got so used to crying that a time came when I did not notice anymore that tears were streaming down my cheeks - literally. I got tired of being of strong. I got tired of being tired. I was so afraid of the hours and the days that would come for I know they are moments without that love that made me complete and furnished my life with everything that is worthy. As it was an awkward and unconventional relationship, nobody knew about it. So with the immense pain, came the inexplicable loneliness that trapped every fiber of my being. You cannot blame me if I wanted to end it all. And the only way out that I could think of is appointing my own time with death.

At first thought, I did not want to hang myself. I would rather die lying on a bed. Besides, there was no rope around then. I thought of pill overdose. But since it would entail me goin' out to a drug store, I decided against it. I was thinking I might change my mind about suicide while on my way to get the pills. Now don't you let out a guffaw on me! I know man, my power of deduction never left me. Then came the blade. It was just conveniently lying above my bedside drawer. It was just under my very nose. I took it and with my eyes closed I lacerated my radial pulse. There was no gush of blood though. I thought maybe I did not lacerate near enough from the pulse and that the wound was not deep. As I was to take aim for the second time, my mobile phone beeped. It was a text message from a friend I haven't heard or seen for a long time. "Hey still up? It's been ages man!!! I am beginning to entertain the thought you're already dead! Ahahahahahaha!" It was immediately followed by a message from my sister reminding me of lunch the next day. And just like that, I was brought back to my senses. I took a hanky and wrapped my wound tightly to apply pressure. The bleeding stopped - and so did the trip that made me crossed the boundaries of conscience and insanity.

So now you know what happened that night. The realizations and the lessons that was brought about by that experience are things that you and a lot of our friends know already. That while you consider yourself cursed, there are those who consider you a blessing. That while you may think of your life as futile, there many things that you have done and many that you shall do more that are worthy. I am not proud of that experience but I am not ashamed of it as well. The journey that took me to that night and back is something that would never escape me to the day I shall meet my end - and I promise you, that end shall be an appointment decided by the One who created it all.


Sincerely Yours,

You

All The Single Men

Dear Me,


Have you browsed through the latest post by the National Statistical Coordination Board? Love can have many myths but numbers don't lie. According to statistics, there are more single men than women in the Philippines. Being single, I am sure this is somethin' which is not uncharted territory to you. So contrary to your own belief and that of popular opinion by your exes that you're one bad boyfriend, you can claim asylum to the fact that statistics is not on your favor. There are just lesser women who are not yet taken. As if to drive the dagger further, there are more married Filipinas than married Filipinos. Now that's a number that's hard to argue.

There's a glimpse of hope for you though. More women are divorced. I find that mind boggling though. If one woman is divorced, doesn't that make one man single? Or is it just because we hop to the next marriage faster than women after a divorce? Anyway, another ray of sunshine for us sons of Adam on this part of the planet is that more women are widowed. I am not sure if that should make us exalt in pleasure. For it means more of our comrades in arms live shorter than their wives. This should not surprise you nevertheless. As a health care professional, I am sure you are aware that in general, women have longer life span than men.

These are all fascinating statistics supported by scientifically-gathered data. But I know you. For there's that spot where a hopeless romantic never fails to take refuge. The Man Who Can't Be Moved right? Yes numbers don't lie but your emotions don't either. When circumstances call for it, you will take one day at a time - never failing to hope and to believe that out of the so many billion people here on earth there's that one person that's been made to be your equal, your partner, your love. And that's somethin' which no statistic can ever measure.


Lovingly yours,

You


PostScript
I have related this to an OB-Gyne who works with you in the DR. To which she impishly retorted, "Approve gay marriage in the Philippines and that number of single men would dwindle down to the sewers." Case closed. Happy Hearts' Day!!!!

Rubbers and Liners

Dear Me,

Have you been watchin' the news lately? It's official: There is an HIV/AIDS epidemic in the Philippines. There is a continuous and fast rise of patients testing positive for the infection. It took only ten months of 2009 to surpass the reported cases of the entirety of the year 2008. I remember you telling me several years back that this occurrence is bound to happen when the incumbent administration opted to cede to the influence of the Catholic Church in banning government spending for methods other than natural family planning. Apart from population explosion, STI's or sexually transmitted infections will see a rise in incidence. You just hate it when every time a reproductive health legislation is brought forth, conservatives would label it as pro-abortion.

I hope people will see what you saw and have been advocating for all these years. That the Filipino, just like any other race in the world, is experiencing a change in culture. That it has evolved and the dynamics have changed should open our eyes to the fact that the interest of science and the dogmas of religion have to meet somewhere. You cannot just help but roll your eyes when someone would tell you that the country's problem is not the number of Filipinos but the manner by which we utilize human resources. Crap, how would we even consider them as resources if by their sheer number we cannot feed, shelter, clothe and educate them? And now with the DOH officially stating that there is an AIDS epidemic, the matter is even more pressing.

I am sure you will be sad as I am in knowing that most of the new HIV-positive patients are Filipinos with ages rangin' from 17-30 years old. Yep, younger and younger the mean age of exposure is. Before, most patients are from the third sex or sex workers. Now, most of the new cases are young urban professionals - a number of which come from the call center industry. I am happy to note however that you have proclaimed some few years back that your promiscuous days are over. You even have this preposterous claim that you are currently practicing celibacy. But aren't you just glad that during your time with the call center industry such an epidemic has not yet occurred? I heard you were as casual with sex as you were with your sneakers.

Will close now. I am begging you to exercise discretion. Not only with your sexual habits. Remember, you are a nurse and part of the medical team. And as such, you are a front-liner. By the way, you're currently a Deliver Room nurse right? How does it feel? A male nurse in the DR, wheeww man. In any case, you never needed to be in the DR to see a dilated cervix. Just kiddin' bloke. Peace.


Your friend for Good Health,

You

For One More Day

Dear Me,

I've heard you decided to blog again. How many times have you stopped blogging only to find yourself not being able to resist the urge of vociferating your thoughts and emotions through writing? I have lost count already but I am as excited as your are. Where ever this takes you, I am sure you'll be able to thresh out the crap and find gold even in the filthiest of dump sites. Your mom has taught you well. That from where you sit, that's where you shall stand.

You said in your last blog entry that you were leaving the blogosphere to pursue somethin' big. Somethin' that would redefine your life and make long term effects on how you deal with it. It has been more than two months and I have come to know that you are most fulfilled and satisfied by how much you've gained. As you expected, following relentlessly your desires involved consternation and more often than not, the pangs of loneliness and defeat. You have managed - but not without moments of fear and agnosticism as to the precision and even candor of the path you have chosen to take. And well, what's this i've heard from some common friends that you have morphed into someone younger than your age? Tell me, did Belo make you happy? Kiddin' aside, I am amazed by how they describe the change in your weight and appearance - somethin' you have done in less than two months.

So here you are again. Ready to share. Ready to write. Ready to get cranky. Ready to get spanked. Ready to get narcissistic. Ready to get that one more day. Ready to meet redemption - once again. I am lookin' forward to writing more letters for you. Together, this journey would be berserk, delirious, erratic and outrageous.

Always yours,

You