Friday, February 19, 2010

Blundering Back to God

Dear Me,

Let me make a confession. I attempted to commit suicide almost four years ago. I used to refer it as "that night in August 2006". I refer to it now as my attempt to blunder back to God - a phrase I got after reading Mitch Albom's heart-wrenching book, "For One More Day".

Come to think of it, I have never related the details to anyone. All you guys know is that I tried to take my own life. I only told you that I had the experience and it was because of a heart break. Strange enough, all these years nobody cared to ask me about the finer details. I could only surmise that my friends care enough for me not to relive the trauma. As to what my plans were or how I intended to execute it, no single soul knows up to this very day. I think though it's high time to tell everybody. I would like to point out that I am not goin' as far back to the specific circumstances that led me to that state of utmost depression. It's hard not to imply something if I did. Besides, I have already belabored on that greatest heartbreak subject. Lest I want anyone getting dizzy or nauseated, I would not shove it down your throat. I know for a fact you're just too sick of that story.

So there I was. A man who just lost his greatest love. A man who keeps on blaming himself for being lame enough not to cherish it. A man who was not brave enough to face the conquering nature of the love he had for that person. It felt like every inch of my flesh is aching. I got so used to crying that a time came when I did not notice anymore that tears were streaming down my cheeks - literally. I got tired of being of strong. I got tired of being tired. I was so afraid of the hours and the days that would come for I know they are moments without that love that made me complete and furnished my life with everything that is worthy. As it was an awkward and unconventional relationship, nobody knew about it. So with the immense pain, came the inexplicable loneliness that trapped every fiber of my being. You cannot blame me if I wanted to end it all. And the only way out that I could think of is appointing my own time with death.

At first thought, I did not want to hang myself. I would rather die lying on a bed. Besides, there was no rope around then. I thought of pill overdose. But since it would entail me goin' out to a drug store, I decided against it. I was thinking I might change my mind about suicide while on my way to get the pills. Now don't you let out a guffaw on me! I know man, my power of deduction never left me. Then came the blade. It was just conveniently lying above my bedside drawer. It was just under my very nose. I took it and with my eyes closed I lacerated my radial pulse. There was no gush of blood though. I thought maybe I did not lacerate near enough from the pulse and that the wound was not deep. As I was to take aim for the second time, my mobile phone beeped. It was a text message from a friend I haven't heard or seen for a long time. "Hey still up? It's been ages man!!! I am beginning to entertain the thought you're already dead! Ahahahahahaha!" It was immediately followed by a message from my sister reminding me of lunch the next day. And just like that, I was brought back to my senses. I took a hanky and wrapped my wound tightly to apply pressure. The bleeding stopped - and so did the trip that made me crossed the boundaries of conscience and insanity.

So now you know what happened that night. The realizations and the lessons that was brought about by that experience are things that you and a lot of our friends know already. That while you consider yourself cursed, there are those who consider you a blessing. That while you may think of your life as futile, there many things that you have done and many that you shall do more that are worthy. I am not proud of that experience but I am not ashamed of it as well. The journey that took me to that night and back is something that would never escape me to the day I shall meet my end - and I promise you, that end shall be an appointment decided by the One who created it all.

Sincerely Yours,


Friday, February 12, 2010

All The Single Men

Dear Me,

Have you browsed through the latest post by the National Statistical Coordination Board? Love can have many myths but numbers don't lie. According to statistics, there are more single men than women in the Philippines. Being single, I am sure this is somethin' which is not uncharted territory to you. So contrary to your own belief and that of popular opinion by your exes that you're one bad boyfriend, you can claim asylum to the fact that statistics is not on your favor. There are just lesser women who are not yet taken. As if to drive the dagger further, there are more married Filipinas than married Filipinos. Now that's a number that's hard to argue.

There's a glimpse of hope for you though. More women are divorced. I find that mind boggling though. If one woman is divorced, doesn't that make one man single? Or is it just because we hop to the next marriage faster than women after a divorce? Anyway, another ray of sunshine for us sons of Adam on this part of the planet is that more women are widowed. I am not sure if that should make us exalt in pleasure. For it means more of our comrades in arms live shorter than their wives. This should not surprise you nevertheless. As a health care professional, I am sure you are aware that in general, women have longer life span than men.

These are all fascinating statistics supported by scientifically-gathered data. But I know you. For there's that spot where a hopeless romantic never fails to take refuge. The Man Who Can't Be Moved right? Yes numbers don't lie but your emotions don't either. When circumstances call for it, you will take one day at a time - never failing to hope and to believe that out of the so many billion people here on earth there's that one person that's been made to be your equal, your partner, your love. And that's somethin' which no statistic can ever measure.

Lovingly yours,


I have related this to an OB-Gyne who works with you in the DR. To which she impishly retorted, "Approve gay marriage in the Philippines and that number of single men would dwindle down to the sewers." Case closed. Happy Hearts' Day!!!!