Friday, February 19, 2010

Blundering Back to God

Dear Me,

Let me make a confession. I attempted to commit suicide almost four years ago. I used to refer it as "that night in August 2006". I refer to it now as my attempt to blunder back to God - a phrase I got after reading Mitch Albom's heart-wrenching book, "For One More Day".

Come to think of it, I have never related the details to anyone. All you guys know is that I tried to take my own life. I only told you that I had the experience and it was because of a heart break. Strange enough, all these years nobody cared to ask me about the finer details. I could only surmise that my friends care enough for me not to relive the trauma. As to what my plans were or how I intended to execute it, no single soul knows up to this very day. I think though it's high time to tell everybody. I would like to point out that I am not goin' as far back to the specific circumstances that led me to that state of utmost depression. It's hard not to imply something if I did. Besides, I have already belabored on that greatest heartbreak subject. Lest I want anyone getting dizzy or nauseated, I would not shove it down your throat. I know for a fact you're just too sick of that story.

So there I was. A man who just lost his greatest love. A man who keeps on blaming himself for being lame enough not to cherish it. A man who was not brave enough to face the conquering nature of the love he had for that person. It felt like every inch of my flesh is aching. I got so used to crying that a time came when I did not notice anymore that tears were streaming down my cheeks - literally. I got tired of being of strong. I got tired of being tired. I was so afraid of the hours and the days that would come for I know they are moments without that love that made me complete and furnished my life with everything that is worthy. As it was an awkward and unconventional relationship, nobody knew about it. So with the immense pain, came the inexplicable loneliness that trapped every fiber of my being. You cannot blame me if I wanted to end it all. And the only way out that I could think of is appointing my own time with death.

At first thought, I did not want to hang myself. I would rather die lying on a bed. Besides, there was no rope around then. I thought of pill overdose. But since it would entail me goin' out to a drug store, I decided against it. I was thinking I might change my mind about suicide while on my way to get the pills. Now don't you let out a guffaw on me! I know man, my power of deduction never left me. Then came the blade. It was just conveniently lying above my bedside drawer. It was just under my very nose. I took it and with my eyes closed I lacerated my radial pulse. There was no gush of blood though. I thought maybe I did not lacerate near enough from the pulse and that the wound was not deep. As I was to take aim for the second time, my mobile phone beeped. It was a text message from a friend I haven't heard or seen for a long time. "Hey still up? It's been ages man!!! I am beginning to entertain the thought you're already dead! Ahahahahahaha!" It was immediately followed by a message from my sister reminding me of lunch the next day. And just like that, I was brought back to my senses. I took a hanky and wrapped my wound tightly to apply pressure. The bleeding stopped - and so did the trip that made me crossed the boundaries of conscience and insanity.

So now you know what happened that night. The realizations and the lessons that was brought about by that experience are things that you and a lot of our friends know already. That while you consider yourself cursed, there are those who consider you a blessing. That while you may think of your life as futile, there many things that you have done and many that you shall do more that are worthy. I am not proud of that experience but I am not ashamed of it as well. The journey that took me to that night and back is something that would never escape me to the day I shall meet my end - and I promise you, that end shall be an appointment decided by the One who created it all.

Sincerely Yours,



Pamela said...

"That while you consider yourself cursed, there are those who consider you a blessing."

this is what i always keep in mind whenever i feel bad about what's going on with my life, or whenever i feel i am not worthy of something that has happened.

sometimes we thought that our lives depend on someone or something, when in fact there is only one reason why we are alive, it's HIM.:)

engel said...

That's over now, I'm sure you're a much better person now. Whoever broke your heart don't know what she lost. =)

Inna said...

I kinda like did the same thing.. sliced my wrist several times.. ironed my arm (yes, ni-plantsa ko sarili ko), took 5 mefanemic acids simultaneously.. a certified borderline.. like you, i'm also not proud of it.. also not ashamed..

a trivia:

when a person's depressed, he/she releases hormones.. "sad" hormones.. and when that person tries to cut himself and bleed, normal response of the body would produce a pain receptor called "Serotonin" which causes pain, and that signals that person to stop cutting some more or he'll bleed to death.. hehe.. the thing is that "Serotonin" is also another hormone which causes humans to be happy.. it's also so-called the "happy" hormone.. so next time you're sad, try to cut your finger.. hehehe.. just kidding..

theLastJedi said...

_yep.. we got so enmeshed with a lot of superficial things that we forgot the essentials.. we also forget that there is one being who cares for us most deeply, and that we bother to forget He's just waiting for us to return to His fold.

theLastJedi said...

_hey! hey! hey! engel mah man, i thought you would never visit this page! i thought you kinda liked the old one and you have not moved on from it! ahahahahah!!!!
- naaahhh.. alam ng taong yun kung anu nawala sa kanya.. at alam namen pareho na dapat lang.. no regrets, masakit lang talaga.. lookin' back, that heartbreak, while it brought me to the extremes, is one of the most worthy experience ever. i am truly happy now that we broke up.

theLastJedi said...

_plantsa? grabe, mamamatay ka ba dun? i mean, how many times must your body be ran over by the plantsa to get killed? sana naligo ka na lang ng gas then sindihan mo sarili mo. more like of the medieval times na feeling heretic ka and you get burned in the stake.. ahahahahahaha!!!!!
- serotonin huh? the new RN is showing this old one the tricks of the trade huh? mishu inna.. miss ko na rin FCI kahit papanu.. =)

Anonymous said...

i like this post. very beautiful. nice reflection about life. ito ang post na hinahanap ko.

jedi, inadd kita sa fb ha...

Chyng said...

arent you scared of killing yourself? what makes you thing you will go to a better place after your life here?

oh well, it;s just a lesson learned (the hard way). cheer up, this too shall pass! Ü

theLastJedi said...

@fr fiel_
_thanks father.. i hope others would indeed get inspiration from such experiences to value what they have, not what they lost..

_im tellin' you chyng those things never went through my mind during that time,, i was so blank with depression and loneliness.. twas so engulfing, unless someone experiences such, i think no one would completely understand.
- don't yah worry.. twaz a long time ago.. it has passed na talaga.. grabe na sa pagka-passed.. ehe

Chyng said...

that's great to hear.
cheers! ♥

betz said...

this is truly inspiring..



Hey colleague! Ur honesty and openess means u've moved on.. Just please dont entertain that idea again, life is too beautiful to be thrown away.

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